Ramblings of a Broken Heart

I’m off

jenniami — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 16:08:08 +0000

I decided I’m off the meds. Again. I think it’s been about 2 weeks. I think it’s going poorly.

The true question I have is closer to ‘did I even need them?’ than to any other thought. But really, at the time, I think I needed something that I believed COULD help. A placebo probably was enough. A lie that I didn’t need to know was a lie. Psychologically, am I depressed? Was I ever? Today I say yes, because today I’m considering not being off meds. Again. I feel like normally I go until something upsets me though and then I just back on. What happens when I push through that time period? Do I feel better for having made it through, or do I feel worse anyway… I’m just so tired. In general, of taking drugs, of doctors, of emotion. Mainly in general and with emotion. Yes, both, not one more than the other – so what?

Today I am depressed. Today I feel depressed. Conversation is having some weird half and half effect – I feel like I need it but the things people are saying are causing me to feel worse. Why can’t someone listen to me and understand what I’m saying? Why is it so much to hope someone gets what I need? I thought someone had. Maybe I was right, but it doesn’t matter at this point. I’m not okay and I feel over dramatic saying that but I feel worse because I actually believe it and feel it and can’t stop even if I *am* being dramatic. I’m trying and failing.

I’m drowning

jenniami — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 03:37:42 +0000

What’s the sea?

I worry when I rationalize a hurtful thing. Is that how people see it, but it just IS? Without thinking of the why or why not… that’s how they think it? I’m not doing it, but I can understand the idea of wanting to. And the action. But, something is wrong, so I don’t.

jenniami — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:09:10 +0000

I feel sick today. Get out of my head.

late/early

jenniami — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 11:32:56 +0000

How am I still awake?

6:30am

just ranting

jenniami — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:51:11 +0000

First I have to state the psychiatrist thought i said i had kids when i said i had cats. We had a bit of a disagreement after that.

second, and kinda related if you’d been there… Dude asked if I had a drinking problem and I said no, and he asked a couple more times, in slightly different ways, (like I was gonna answer “oh, yes, now that you put it that way, I’m an alcoholic) and I think he was trying to trick me. Very weird. But if I had an alcohol problem, and I did not consider it a problem, I would still think it a truthful answer to say no, I don’t. Or if I had one, and didn’t realize it. What good does asking do if the person doesn’t think its a problem when others would? You still give them the medication based on them saying no. Maybe depressed people shouldn’t be given drugs that interact bad with alcohol because you can’t trust them necessarily to know/tell you about the problem. Or they may just not care enough to keep track anymore. Idk. I think I’m just a little annoyed that he was nearly calling me a liar, and I’m saying why ask if he’s not gonna believe me anyway?? No, I do not abuse drugs or alcohol. Ask me 50 times, though it will still be the same answer, or don’t ask at all.

Protected: “forgot to say” con’t

jenniami — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:52:49 +0000

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forgot to say

jenniami — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:50:59 +0000

Not that I enjoy reality much lately, but at least today I’m capable of making the statement.

The reality is that you never wanted to be with me like I wanted to be with you.

Thoughts

jenniami — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:32:20 +0000

What a sad story these pages tell. For the first time in a long while, I feel okay. Yes, I believe it to be from the medication I started taking – though it might be a placebo right now. I don’t really care whats causing it though, just that the feeling is there.

I have to wonder, what if it really was addiction? Like we talked about. I find it hard to believe on one level, as I also would have thought addiction would be more like stalking. And I guareentee I’ve been the opposite of that. But truely, what if this was an addiction? Is that a form of love people feel or is it more a lack of love but an attempt? Did I attempt to love you but not know how, so instead I grew addicted and attached? Were that the case, the next question would be, is it like other addictions? Like alcohol? Alcoholics suffer all their life from the addiction. Trying to avoid it and not being able to be near it without possible relaps. Hah. I guess if that were true, and I’m addicted, then I was right when I said I’d always love him. Or to be more accurate, I’d have been right to say I always wanted to be with him. Because at this point in the thoughts, we haven’t decided what love is, or what counts as love.

:) I just got bored. Must move around some more – silly hyper drugs. Perhaps a decision on love will be another day, though I bet I’ll avoid that as well ;)

feeling

jenniami — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:24:19 +0000

Feeling like I’m falling apart. Again.

freaking out

jenniami — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:47:58 +0000

That’s really all theré is to say. I’m freaking out – going out of my mind. Aniexty, fidgity, I don’t know what to do. I’m going to talk to the doctor next week about going on something different. Stronger maybe.

Maybe I need to drink more